Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
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