seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize