when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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