Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
