Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
