the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
