my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm passing your future prison.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
