Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
