Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
