I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
