happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
