I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
