Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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