so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
