I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
