Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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