The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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