Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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