Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
