I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
