I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
