I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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