You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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