you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's shark week go big or go home
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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