Barsexuality is the new black.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
