If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
