dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
