I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
