I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
