the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize