the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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