She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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