she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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