Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
