I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize