I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
