Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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