I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
