this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
