I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
wow bdsm is so cute
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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