She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
