When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
