New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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