no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
