If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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