I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
