i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
