they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
