ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
