nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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