Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
