if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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