is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Found your dick twin last night
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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