come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
