Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
