I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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