i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
