you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
