the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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